They tell you that pregnancy will be the best time of your life, you’ll glow, be radiant and bask in the glory of new life! And don’t be mistaken, I did feel that way. I fell in love with my body for the first time, at the end of it all I loved my stretch marks and was proud to have carried my little girl in a healthy environment. I was amazed at the miracle growing inside me and loved feeling those little kicks, I was thankful for it all! But through the pregnancy, it was not all sunshine and roses.
If you’ve read my other posts, you know that I want to be straight up and honest with you. No sugar coating. This is real life, my raw, real, honest self. I want to tell you about reaching the lowest point in my life, how I came out of it and why it matters.
When I first found out I was pregnant, I completely lost it. Just ask my sister who was the first one I told. I had so many emotions happening at once, I knew I was happy, but I was also terrified beyond belief. Adding a child to the world of marriage changes EVERYTHING. We had been trying for over a year, so I shouldn’t have been caught off guard, but I was.
After doctors appointments, ultrasounds, throwing up and some more tears, I came to grips with the fact we were pregnant and I was SO EXCITED. We were already almost 7 weeks into it at this point (I have PCOS and have very irregular periods. So missing them is not abnormal. I only took a test because I had gotten so sick and couldn’t figure out why) and telling people was a blast. Our family was growing!!
That’s the fun part. Feeling excited, knowing you’re going to be a parent, feeling the kicks, finding out the gender… it was so beautiful and joyful.
That’s normally all people tell you. How excited they are, how their partner finally felt it kick, what the nursery is going to look like, the cute clothes they’ve bought for their little one. But sometimes there is a whole lot more to be talked about.
I have never felt depression like I did in those months. I’ve never felt more isolated. Alone. Scared. Lost.
When there is life inside of you, your responsibilities change, your moods change, your food habits, your body, your mind, EVERYTHING CHANGES. The devil had a grip on me that I couldn’t shake. I felt worthless, I couldn’t provide enough for this little life, I wasn’t good enough to be a Mom, I didn’t deserve to be part of such a beautiful miracle. I hit rock bottom. I didn’t want to be around people, I didn’t want to go out or go to work or Church, I hated myself for letting it happen, and to be totally honest, I had thoughts of “great, now I am STUCK in this relationship forever”.
To pause there for a second, I believe now and always have that marriage is a lifetime commitment. And I knew full well Neil is the man for me when we got married. Sure I’ve had doubts along the way (I think we all do at some point) but I’m committed to working through the hard times and being with him till the end. During the pregnancy, however, my mind was so deceived and twisted that I viewed the baby as a death sentence. I wasn’t about to leave a child, so now I was stuck.
I remember sitting on the edge of my bed one day and between the puke and the tears, calling out to God.
“Please bring this child into this world, and take me out of it! Neil will be fine, I don’t want to be here anymore. Let me die!”
If I didn’t have a baby inside me and I hit this place, I don’t know what would have happened. And that’s just honest. It may not be “the Christian thing” to say, but I have never felt more defeated than in those moments.
I must have prayed this prayer every day for a month. The devil’s grip is strong y’all.
If you ask my family, I bet they would tell you they didn’t know I went through this, and after working through it (with Neil and God), the devil wasn’t done and laid on the guilt.
“How could I have prayed those things?”, “I really WILL be a terrible Mom”, “Do I even have faith?”, “I hate myself for this”.
Here’s the reality. I AM NOT ALONE. After being honest with a few friends (post pregnancy) and having some REAL talks with people, I found that surprisingly I wasn’t the only one who had ever felt this way while being pregnant.
I learned yet again that we all have struggles and it is so important to lift each other up, to be honest, and open, to allow others to speak into your life.
“The thief (the devil) comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10:10
When you are growing LIFE inside of you, the devil is going to try and tear you down. Especially if you are faithful and chasing after God. Why? Because that little human could change everything. They could tell someone about Christ, bring hope, bring joy, bring peace. Maybe be a leader or an example of faith. Who knows!? God. That’s who. And the devil is scared beyond belief that maybe, just maybe, this little life will be another soldier in the battle against him. So why wouldn’t he want to tear that life down before it even truly began?!
Here’s the deal.
Some people feel this way like me, for the same reasons. The feelings of being stuck, not good enough, not worthy. But that’s not the only way the devil will try to steal joy from you in pregnancy.
Maybe you weren’t expecting to get pregnant so soon. You had a couple weeks switching birth control, or a condom broke or just didn’t work. Maybe you lost a child in pregnancy and he is filling your mind with doubts during this one that the same thing will happen. Maybe you don’t have a partner and he’s trying to destroy you with guilt. Or maybe you aren’t even pregnant because of fertility troubles and you’re lost because you can’t understand why you can’t get pregnant.
Whatever the reason, whatever your thoughts, however the devil is trying to tear you down, know that you are not alone and you can defeat those thoughts. You can win this battle.
“…I (Jesus) have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”
Hang notes in your room, on your mirrors, in your car. You ARE worthy. You ARE enough. The life that you will one day carry and give birth to or adopt or foster is a game changer. You are already a strong Mama and you are going to ROCK THIS. The devil has NO RIGHT to fill your mind with doubts and fear, let God fill your mind with love, peace, and hope.
The next time I get pregnant I will be prepared to fight and win the battle before it even begins. I see his games and I’m not interested in playing anymore.
I am a Child of God.
Only He has the permission to speak into my life and soul.