I feel like this goes hand and hand with how you should never GUESS if a women is pregnant. Never assume just because someone has a belly that there is a human inside. Oh the many awkward conversations that could be saved if people would just… not.
Pregnancy hormones are a whole lot of fun to deal with all on their own. Mix in some well-meaning but terrible remarks and boy oh boy your in for a fun rollercoaster of emotions.
With this pregnancy (my 2nd, YAY) one person I told responded with “I thought your belly was looking bigger! You’re showing a lot!” to which I responded “I’m only 5 weeks, I am definetly NOT showing yet, thanks”. They meant well, but my only take away was Wow you didn’t lose ANY of that baby weight from the first one, you are so fat, I can’t imagine how big you’ll get this time! Which was rediculous, but maybe you’ve had the same thought or know where I am coming from.
I’ve worked really hard at body image positivity. And as I’ve said in other posts, when I was pregnant with Zoe I truly fell in love with my body for the first time. Sure I haven’t lost all the baby weight (I call it baby weight but truthfully it’s just weight I need to lose at this point) but I am HAPPY with how I look and feel. Sure I could loose a few pounds, but right now? That is not my priority. And that’s okay!
There are a lot of things that people say to pregnant women. And believe me, I know you don’t mean to hurt our feelings, but you are. I could probably write a whole post on just “Things you shouldn’t say to pregnant women” and I would somehow include to never touch her belly without permission (WHY IS THIS OKAY), but that’s not what this post is called. So let’s just dive in. This shouldn’t take long.
Never ask a pregnant women if it was an “oops”
When someone tells you they are now carrying a human baby the size of a lego man that will grow into a watermelon within 9 short months, please do not respond with “oh, wow! … I bet that was a surprise!”. Why? because even if it was, we have enough emotions to deal with without adding in how to analyze your response and try to figure out if you are extremley happy or just thinking how dumb we are for getting knocked up (again) or maybe this or that or the other thing.
I can really only speak from my own experience as I don’t know anyone else’s first hand. So for us, the situation was that Zoe was 9 months when we got pregnant, which means they will be a year and a half a part! Of course this is not what everyone wants! Some of you can’t imagine having kids that close together AND THAT’S GREAT for you. But for us? We started ‘trying’ when Zoe was 3 months *hears the gasps from the crowd*, yes you read that correctly. My husband and I want our kids to be CLOSE in age. So it actually took us 6 months of trying (which I realize is not a long time for having PCOS, and if you struggle with starting a family I am so so sorry. I would love to be praying for you if you would be so honest to write me a note asking for it!).
When we found out we were pregnant with Little Bean we were SO pumped! THANK YOU LORD! I couldn’t wait to share the news with friends and family. I wanted to shout it for all to hear! But the more people we told, the more “oh…” comments we got and it started to hurt my heart.
Please just say “Congratulations!!” and if you are super curious ask “how are you feeling about it?” instead of ‘I bet you weren’t expecting that!’ or ‘was that an oops?’. Because those types of comments make some of us pregnant folk feel like we’ve done something wrong. Like we are idiots for being excited, or like we’ve made a huge mistake. By asking “how are you feeling about it?” It give us a chance to tell you straight up.
Again, because I can only really speak for me and my own experiences, even if it was an “oops”, and we were surprised by it… I still wouldn’t want to be asked. I strongly believe that life is given for a reason so if we ‘accidently’ got pregnant, I would 1) probably have even MORE emotions to deal with as I came to terms with the new life and how it would change mine, and 2) need your “congratulations” even more to help me get used to the idea instead of being questioned about it.
This post is way longer than I intended for it to be, so I’ll wrap it up.
Know that we are VERY excited for Little Bean to arrive in November, we are thankful that God gave us this child so soon and while being pregnant may not be what you would choose at this time, it’s exactly where we are supposed to be.
Know that you are loved beyond measure. If you struggling in your pregnancy whether it’s with the whole idea of having a kid or your struggling with depression, anxiety, fears etc. PLEASE KNOW you are FIERCELY loved. You are important, you are cared for and you have a purpose. I would love to talk to you and try to help in any way I can. I struggled hard through my first pregnancy, you can read about it here in my blog called “Why Being Pregnant Was The Worst Time Of My Life”. I love you, friends.